We've been going out for a month today.
So why am I not happy? Well, it may have something to do with what happened today...
Late start, but finals at the high school. I had an hour between 1st and second period. Brian and I decided to go to Starbucks, and invite some friends along. Eliot was the only person who ended up coming.
We met him there, since we had Japanese first period. It was fun.
End of PE. Eliot comes out, and I ask him how he is.
"Okay, I guess."
"What's wrong?"
"I'll tell you later. There are people."
By now, I'm freaking out. (Typical me...
After school.
Me: Now will you tell me?
Eliot: Do you like Brian?
Again, my mouth kinda just flopped open. The thought had honestly never occurred to me.
Me: As a friend, I do, but not like that! Of course not!
Eliot: You were looking at him kind of flirtatiously in Starbucks this morning.
Me: No! I'm sorry! I didn't know! I didn't mean to! I really only like you!
I can't flirt for my life...
What did I do? He said it was okay, but it's not.
It's not.
He's probably thinking that I was lying. He probably hates me.
I know I hate myself.
When he said that something was wrong, I honestly wanted to destroy whatever had made him unhappy.
Now, I realize...that's me.
For the millionth time tonight, I'm thinking how much easier it would be if I didn't exist. I always cause so many problems. I hate it. I hate myself.
I haven't been able to smile since he told me this.
My cat was sitting on my lap as I was doing homework, and I moved a bit, and he complained.
"Well if you don't like it, don't stay! I can't help it! Just go! Just...go!"
I realized I had been yelling, and lowered my voice.
I know I'm over reacting, and I feel really stupid. I'm just saying what happened.
Rosie? SOMEONE?
..Help? Please...
what's happening? I feel like such a awful person...I don't want him to be sad.
I don't want to hurt him.
Love,
Faye
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3 comments:
Faye, dear, you can't hate yourself, because that probably won't solve anything.
Just get through a tough time then get back to yourself, that's how it always works.
It'll work out just fine, honestly.
Lol, Don' worry, Be happy.
:)
Oh, I'm sorry, Faye--and here I was absorbed in my own stupid drama. It's not you, though, it's him--he's being too jealous. And ridiculous. If he doesn't believe you, then he isn't worth talking to.
(says the inpartial close friend)
Don't blame yourself.
Thanks, guys. Love you.
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